Struggling with depression and mental illness.

Christ, not another cheery subject you say, and its true, there's sod all happy about depression and mental illness but maybe I can give you an idea of what it does to you and how you can interact easier with a sufferer.

I first started feeling depressed around 1992, certain large scale mentally destructive incidents happened 2 years later, these were major events that blew my tiny world apart. Sadly I was never treated for depression for 14 yrs, I had been given sleeping tablets but they were useless.

Other medical conditions have left me needing to take per day 60mg of Citalopram, a strong anti depressant, 200mg of Tramadol, a very strong painkiller, 150mg of Diclofenac, another painkiller, effervescent Co-Codamol made up into a 2 litre bottle as needed, Ketoprofen gel to help with pain relief of my spine and lastly 20mg of Propranalol which is a beta blocker to help with the irregular heat beat partially caused by the anti depressant.

Quite a large cocktail there but I still suffer huge levels of pain, the anti depressant merely takes 'the edge off', it does not stop the massive mood swings, the wish to remain indoors, the fear of crowds, the self loathing or the wish to be alone for large periods of time. Between the depression and the medical issues I can't work, the cervicular spondylosis in my kneck makes even sitting here typing this hell, I've got blown knee's from taking the pee out of them when I was younger, it really DOES catch up with you...Always..

So, what's a day like for me?

Well sleep or the simple trials of sleep are hell for me, I have severe nightmares every night, I relive episodes I'd rather forget every night so sleep is as and when but never fun. I'm often up at 4am unable or in some cases unwilling to return to sleep. I'll drag it on until about 6 and then come into the bedroom where the PC is, because of the mattress I can't sleep in our bed, I have to use the couch in the front room, also the nightmares are often physical and I lash out so a tad unfair for my wife to put up with.

I'll then do my usual scout of sites, the internet is my treat, its the one luxury I have, I don't go out much, never been a pub bloke unless playing pool and cinema's are too uncomfortable because of the crowds and the people whole do my head in so that and the lack of cash mean this flat is my life. After a short time I'll get too paned to use the PC so I'll lay down for a while, not sleep, just rest the pain. IF its been a better night I might take my daughter to school but that's a rare treat as I'm normally pretty pained and not up to being with the outside world.

I'll spend most of the day either resting from the pain or on the PC, at 7pm I hand the PC over to my lovely daughter, she's bright as a button and even at 11 is showing great design and mild business skills yet retaining her love of being a child, she's not going to miss out on that and become an 11 yr old smoker covered in make up like most on the estate.

By 10pm I'm ready to sleep but knowing I'll get little or none.

That's a good day, the bad day of which they are many will be a roller coaster of mood swings and pain, these are the days where nothing is fun, where the thought of being alive stinks, where every movement seems to be painful. I try and keep to myself on days like this, its unfair to anyone around me on these days as I'll snap at the smallest item, shout and be a complete prat and then the sadness sets in, I'd not wish that on anyone, its pure hell. I twice tried to end it all and failed, I have on several occasions sat down giving it serious thought but the love of my wife and daughter always make the thoughts go away, hopefully I avoid them seeing me in that state.

I've learned to deal with the effects of mental illness over the years, my mother suffered from it for all her life until she died from dementia in 2001, trust me, anyone dealing with a person with dementia especially if they are your parent is a nightmare, I looked after my mother for years day in day out before she died, I can tell you it was some of the most distressing times I've felt.

But seeing how her illness affected her earlier life allowed me to try and adjust my life so it wasn't as bad, it rarely worked but at least I had an understanding of it all.

How does the depression and all it's side effects affect how I deal with people?

That's a tough one, I suffer from an inability to handle responsibility, this results from one of those epic events back in 1992, some might think its a cop out but trust me its not. If I see a brown envelope I break out in sweats, I cannot fill forms in, not even my daughters report book, my hands shake so I can't write. If my wife asks me to fix something I'm stressed out, I sweat buckets but If I'm doing something that's purely for me I'm fine, I just can't handle the idea of failing and letting someone down. Communication is an issue if I'm stressed, I suddenly forget simple words, I start to stammer even though I've never suffered from one before, I then must remove myself from the situation as I'm litterally soaked in sweat and my face is bright red, the more stressed the worse it gets and people staring at you does not help.

If all this is done at my pace I'm fine for the most part, I get by but the memory loss is quite embarrassing at times, people think you are taking the pee but I'm not.

The mood swings are by far the worst side effect, I can be incredibly happy, a little too happy to be honest, but when the anger gets me then its hell, I NEVER take it out on my wife or daughter, that's one control I've effected in the old noggin but strangers get the brunt of it if they are being a dick head, sadly for them and me I live on a council estate full of dick heads, all fear goes from me at these times which will one day be deadly to me, I'll square up to 20+ youths causing trouble, its got me a reputation for taking no sh*t in the area but if only people realised what powered it and the way I feel afterwards when the stupidity  bravery has worn off, I'm sick as a dog.

If only they realised that one kick to my knee or a blow to my back would leave me totally defenceless, thank hell they have not spotted that...yet.

So, living with all this isn't fun, having time to think is hell for me, I have to try and preoccupy my time so I don't dwell, during session with my shrink I get  told "well that was in the past, put it behind you" and I keep telling them that the second I sleep everything is brought back to me like it was yesterday, every little detail is crystal clear if not exaggerated to make the nightmare even worse.

For me, its never in the past, its just another day the day after it happened.

So, as you can tell life can be a right pig, I try and keep the brain ticking over the right way but life just loves to throw stuff at you like developing tinnitus, talk about irritation with no cure.

Life for me is a long painful slog, people think it's great not to work but it's not, it only gives me more time to hate the life I have, when I've worked I was always giving 200%, I've always been a very hard worker, I put my back and head into work, no avoiding the hard graft, I did whatever job paid the bills, everything form Branch management, PC PROPER IT support and building, making furniture right down to lugging steels around on sites, always in the thick of it.

So being so useless now really affects the mind and that's without the illnesses I have, they only make it all feel 100X harder to deal with...

Cheery isn't it....